Pregnant Swimming & Endings As Part of The Process

For the past 6 months or so, I’ve found myself atleast once per week, gliding through the light blue chlorinated waters of the city pool in our neighborhood here in Porto. I’m not normally a regular swimmer, but amidst pregnancy the anti-gravity-ness of moving in water has felt so good. Most days, as I change into my suit and pull on the required swim cap, the dressing room is filled with older Portuguese women either coming or going from their water aerobics class. Water aerobics, I’ve learned, is quite popular. No matter what time of day I drag myself to the pool for my laps it is almost guaranteed that half of the pool is filled with 50-ish energetic water aerobics attendees. Music blasting, arms flailing, colorful caps and suits everywhere, beautiful wrinkled skin and laughter. 

They often comment on my pregnant belly, “How much longer now?” “It’s beautiful!” “A boy or a girl?” and countless wishes from them for happiness and also the Portuguese blessing “May it be a quick hour!” 

I’m not sure how much I’ll really miss being pregnant, but I will miss these kind interactions and well wishes from strangers and the unexpected camaraderie of my fellow pool goers.

On a recent visit to the pool my punch card had run out and in refilling it I needed to decide how many more swims to put on it. My eyes filled with tears a bit as I looked at the woman at the desk and said, “Gosh, how many more swims do you think I have left before this baby comes? How many swims should I buy?”

I can’t explain how I can at once wish for pregnancy to be over and also not want it to end. And how after all these months I am still in disbelief that this is actually happening and that soon there will be a new human in the world.

Reality did sink in atleast for a moment when re-filling my pool pass. Though since, I’ve continued to find myself simultaneously in a state of both disbelief and deep knowing that a big change is very near.

There are many things I have learned in becoming a coach, some were part of my training, others practice has taught me, and so much that I’ve gleaned from coaching alongside clients who are moving through change and transition. As much of my work centers around this topic, the lessons that stick with me most closely have to do with the phases and traps of transition.

As I approach the birth of this baby (obviously a big change) I am utterly grateful for the framework I’ve learned, that it’s not the change that will catch you off guard - it’s the transition (or internal processing of that external change). Another crucial piece of that framework is that:

Transition begins with an ending (not a beginning).

Prior to this framework, I, like may of us who have grown up in cultures where the emphasis is on beginnings, tended to focus my energy and excitement on beginnings while ignoring endings. Thus, endings would often sneak up on me or catch me off guard once I’d jumped into something new. It would often be well into a new beginning that I’d find myself discombobulated, full of unprocessed emotions and grief for what had ended and been left behind.

“Don’t let the ending surprise you, transition begins with an ending.” - William Bridges.

Of course, just knowing that transition begins with an ending won’t necessarily make it easier. It has however gifted me with awareness to prepare for endings, to expect them and to accept that they are part of the process of transition, part of life. 

People I coach are often looking for a new beginning, recognizing that it’s time to move on from something or become something new. That process is often a combination of excitement and ambiguity. One of my biggest observations is that even when people are completely ready for the next thing, when what they are stepping into is incredibly “right” for them and a positive change STILL we need to process what is being left behind. There is often some combination of grief, celebration and gratitude to reckon with and make space for and of course some “letting go” that needs to happen.

So my friends, don’t let those endings sneak up on you and knock you off your feet. Welcome them. They are natural and part of the process. I’m practicing and deepening my own experience of this right now. As I step into a great and beautiful new beginning and role as a parent, I’m also leaving behind days of pregnant swimming that unexpectedly have been truly delightful. More than that it’s the ending and culmination of life as I’ve known it and many seasons that have been so good to me. I am simultaneously saying goodbye to what has been, whilst steeping myself in deepest gratitude for it. And of course, also grateful and excited for what is to come.

Here’s to new seasons and chapters - endings, beginnings and all of the in between!

On Wandering

Earlier this week I was reminded of the power of a good wander. I found myself alone in Lisbon, in a neighborhood where I once spent 6, life-changing weeks.  And, I had in front of me a fully unplanned afternoon.

So, what’s a girl to do but set out on a proper, aimless, wander! As I wandered thru the familiar yet changed streets I was reminded of all that has transpired in my own life since I first set foot in this neighborhood - how I am in many ways the same and in other ways so different of a person, leading a very different life than I could have predicted then and how though I didn’t know it then those weeks in that neighborhood helped me find the courage to trust myself and making some significant life leaps.

More importantly, I found myself out of my head and connected to the vivid colors, cracks and beauty right in front of me. It cleared space in my mind and connected me to the crazy, wandering wonder that life can be. It connected me to ME - and by the end, with tired feet, I was breathing deeper, fuller more grateful breaths.

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Last year, about this time, I hosted a >>mini retreat<< where we did some exploring of core values and set an intention for the months ahead that would honor them. In the middle of the workshop, having covered a bit of content on values and thus given the group a lot to think about, I sent them outside on a wander. The instruction were simple: no phones, pay attention to what’s in front of you, follow what grabs your attention and return in 90 minutes. 

I have to admit, part of me was feeling guilty for hosting a workshop and then prescribing wandering, but each participant came back lighter and brighter exclaiming that they couldn’t remember the last time they walked around aimlessly, without a task at hand. They also had easier access to their heart and the intention that would be most meaningful for them.

For those of us who create, care for others, lead, find ourselves amidst a life transition and/or generally have full lives a regular wandering ritual is an amazing way to stay connected to your essence and values and to spark creativity and new ideas.

Here’s to a ritual of regular wandering time.

Remember: A ritual of wandering need not require a foreign city and an entire afternoon (though a wander of that kind is certainly a great idea!) You can set aside 20 minutes for a wandering walk outside your doorstop. Wandering can be a daily, weekly, monthly and/or annual ritual. A wander can be solo or with a friend or partner.

Extras: Here’s a link to a NY Times article, The Little Rituals That Keep Us Going about every day ordinary rituals and Casper ter Kuile’s book The Power of Ritual book which is all about creating rituals that spark meaning and connection.

Why Your Inner Critic Doesn’t Want You To Change

The primary function of the Inner Critic (which if you’ve ever been stuck in its grip you know it takes quite seriously!) is this:

To keep you from changing

This explains why it can show up strongly in moments or seasons of transition and growth, when you are on your way to something that is really for you. The main reason our Inner Critics don’t want us to change is because for the Inner Critic what is known is always safer than what is unknown.  

A Little Background on Inner Critics:

They develop when we are  young, when often we needed them to make it in life, to gain the approval of our caregivers and learn how to operate within society. They were and are well intentioned — they want to keep us safe, they want us to “be appropriate”.  Yet, they operate and abide by the rules of the past quite strictly.

Inner Critics are absolutely terrible about tuning into the present moment and what might be good and true for you now.

While rooted in the past, they tend to throw out big concerns about the future as well, usually sternly noting that the safest way to proceed is to “maintain the status quo”, “do what you were told/taught”, “what is expected of you” or perhaps even, “you’ll never be good enough for that so don’t even think about it.” Inner Critics want you to maintain contact with history, security, culture and the past because those were the conditions where it was most safe (or perhaps where its outdated warnings were most relevant and at the time probably did keep you safe, help you gain approval and fit in).

Perhaps you’re starting to see Inner Critics aren’t the most rational creatures. Rational or not, they are very convincing and very good at making you believe that what they are telling you is absolutely the truth.

I can empathize with the Inner Critic as I want to be safe, secure and accepted as well, but we MUST remember that the Inner Critic's strategy and voice is seldom the one we want guiding us. It will act as a giant stop sign and booby trap and keep us stuck.

Also remember:  The security the Inner Critic fights for at all costs is often, if not always, an illusion. Perhaps most importantly to note is this:

In the face of the Inner Critic’s harshest warnings, we lose our creativity and ability to be and become what we’re meant to.

Inner Critics are masters at suppressing our energy so we can’t access our creativity and aliveness. Sometimes they are so constant, either quietly in the background or loudly in the forefront, that we identify with them completely. I.e. Their voice is our voice.

If I could urge you to start to practice one thing it would be this: Notice when your Inner Critic is “speaking” or “thinking” and note “Oh, that’s my Inner Critic talking”.  When you are able to observe your Inner Critic you are separating yourself from it. This is crucial because as you become aware of and separate yourself from the Inner Critic, you are creating the awareness that it is NOT you. 

The part of you that is able to observe, separate and notice the Inner Critic, THAT is you. Listen to that version of yourself —

What does it want to create? What is it hoping for?

Embracing Breakdown As Part Of The Process

Amidst change, transition, creativity and finding a new way forward it is common, natural in fact, for something to break down or fall apart.  That something that breaks down could be an idea, a goal, a relationship, a way of relating to yourself or any number of ways of being or thinking. 

It’s a very useful concept for me to remember personally and in my coaching work that:

On the way to the breakthrough, something will break down. Expect it, its normal and part of the process.

Now, take a breath, those of you who like me may have learned to avoid breakdown at all costs, for whom it may have been ingrained to avoid those kinds of feelings and in doing so developed habits of “plowing through” and “staying strong” while pushing down deeply any sense that something might need to fall apart a little (or a lot).

When I first learned the “breakdown to breakthrough” concept, it made sense and was freeing to know that breakdown wasn’t “bad” or an indicator that “something is wrong with me” but rather and simply part of the process. It certainly made sense in the context of helping other people through their processes of transition. But I confess, deep inside my internal dialogue was something like, “Okay, breakdown isn’t really necessary for me, maybe a little breakdown is okay, but let’s steer clear of the full thing.”

With time, I’ve uncovered that my resistance to breakdown was underpinned by fear, and a hidden, strongly held belief that, “Breaking down isn’t natural or normal. Breaking down is what happens when something is really wrong and I should never let it get to that point or more pointedly breaking down means something is inherently flawed in me.” 

As you might imagine avoiding and resisting breakdown is not the key to growth, nor to living fully and wholeheartedly and as I like to say, from that oh so powerful place of exactly who you are. 

Here are a few things that have helped me be more welcoming and less fearful of breakdown:

• Replacing my fear with this belief: It is totally, completely normal, natural even and part of the cycle of life to experience breakdown.

• Breakdown does not always equal crisis and total meltdown. It can be as simple as an off day reminding me to rest so the cells in my body can rejuvenate.

• Winter, Spring, Summer, Fall. My biggest teachers! They appear every year in a dependable cycle of what one could consider breakdown and breakthrough, trees shedding leaves in Fall, hibernating and resting in Winter, coming back to life and blooms in Spring and maturing in Summer. It’s also been a very helpful reminder that metaphorically one may experience all four seasons in a given week or month — this too is natural and normal, allow it.

• Compost. Sometimes things have to breakdown entirely. Like compost, they have to fully disintegrate and as they do they create nutritious, fertile ground ready to grow something new.

• Retraining myself to remember this: Life isn’t only about productivity and one breakthrough after another.

Not chasing one constant breakthrough after another has been quite freeing. It allows for sinking into and remembering that perhaps breakthroughs aren’t any better or worse than breakdowns, just two sides of the same coin. Partners, siblings, friends - each rooting for the other.

Each knowing that its turn will come and that no matter which side of the coin we happen to be on in any given moment - we are okay, we are alive.

Here’s to no longer associating breakdown with “bad” or “something must be wrong with me”, but rather with growth, with the natural and necessary rhythm of life, with rest, with acceptance and with letting go. When it shows up, I’m committed to being in it and moving through it because it doesn’t last forever and sometimes its not even as hard or painful as I’ve made it out to be. Sometimes it’s easy. And always, it’s part of the process.

Book Review --- The Art of Gathering: How we meet and why it matters By Priya Parker

In 4th grade I had a birthday party where friends from my array of social circles at the time (school, neighborhood, gymnastics) would merge for the first time. For weeks, I was planning the games we’d play, combing through the guest list (stressed out by my mom’s limit on how many people I could have over as I didn’t want to exclude anyone), thinking of how to connect people and considering how everyone would get along. What a 9 year old I was?!  

I can think of many other moments in childhood and adolescence where I took my hosting VERY seriously. Each time diving deeply into the planning, wanting it all to be just right.

If only this book and it’s guidelines had been around for me then!

And thank goodness it’s here now. My adult self, who still LOVES to gather people and create purpose and meaningful connections in both personal and professional realms was underlining and highlighting every other word of this book.

The wisdom of this book is wisdom I want to reference for every future gathering I get to host.

There are books I always say I’ll re-read but I rarely actually do that. SO, my gift to myself (and maybe also to you!) to be able to reference the the important guidance of this book is this chapter by chapter list of the things I want to recall in my future gatherings.

It’s all so good and couldn’t be more timely. As we re-emerge and start to be able to gather in person (at least in some places) and continue to re-design so much more to happen virtually (and yet still be meaningful and human). These principles are ones I will be living by… err GATHERING BY.

The Mini Summary (I.e. The Top 5 Things I Must Remember)

• Articulate a clear, specific, as unique as possible purpose for the gathering

• Don’t be afraid to exclude people in service of the gathering’s highest purpose

• Use your authority as host —> Create rules and stick to them, connect people

• Design experiences that encourage people to share personal stories; welcome controversy, vulnerability and topics that are heart + thought provoking

• 5. Create an intentional ending that links to the purpose and allows people to remember what they’ve learned and who they’ve been together

  **For some great resources on gatherings visit www.priyaparker.com

Full Chapter by Chapter Summary: The Art of Gathering: How We Meet & Why It Matters by Priya Parker

Eight glorious chapters chalk full of guidelines and the most interesting examples of how to gather in ways that connect us, create freedom, diversity and connection. A running theme throughout the book is the creation of rules and expectations that are liberating versus oppressive and tips for hosts of events from everything from baby showers to executive boards for leading and hosting with purpose while creating memorable meaningful connection, ideas and experiences.

Ch. 1 - Decide Why You’re Really Gathering

• Declare the purpose --- not WHAT, but WHY and get as specific as possible. When you think you’ve landed the purpose, dig even deeper. The more clear, specific and unique your purpose the better.

“When we don’t examine the deeper assumptions behind why we gather, we end up skipping too quickly to replicating old, staid formats of gathering. And we forgo the possibility of creating something memorable, even transformative.”

• There is a very helpful chart for exploring purpose on page 25 of the book. Or you can download this free guide from Priya’s website.

• Think of what you want to be different because you gathered, and work backward from that outcome.

“Forcing yourself to think about your gathering as stand-taking helps you get clear on its unique purpose. Gatherings that please everyone occur, but they rarely thrill. Gatherings that are willing to be alienating—which is different from being alienating—have a better chance to dazzle. How do you do this? How do you arrive at a something worth gathering about? What are the ingredients for a sharp, bold, meaningful gathering purpose? Specificity is a crucial ingredient. The more focused and particular a gathering is, the more narrowly it frames itself and the more passion it arouses.”

Ch. 2 - Close Doors

• Exclude kindly and generously. Having the right people is important. Leaving people out can in fact be a gift to the gathering.

  “So how, you might ask, do I exclude generously? This issue comes up a lot when I’m organizing large, complicated meetings for clients. These are some of the questions I ask them: Who not only fits but also helps fulfill the gathering’s purpose? Who threatens the purpose? Who, despite being irrelevant to the purpose, do you feel obliged to invite? — Who is this gathering for first?”

• Sizes that have some magic to them:  6, 12-15, 30, 150

• Choose WHERE fully based on purpose and that will facilitate the behavior you seek  from you guests.

Ch. 3 - Don’t Be A Chill Host

• Implement “generous authority” and encourage + facilitate guest connections.

• Creating rules is a way of being a generous host that protects and equalizes guests and helps them to connect meaningfully.

Ch. 4 - Create A Temporary Alternate World

• Seemingly extreme or odd rules can serve well and be okay because everyone knows they are temporary.

“This is the bargain that the rules-based gatherer will offer you a different and much richer freedom – to gather with people of all kinds, in spite of your own gathering traditions … Such is the power of gathering openly and colorfully with rules. You create another world. And then it expires and you begin all over again.”

Ch. 5 - Don’t start with logistics

• Prime your guests. The event begins the moment they find out it will happen. Prime them for what to expect and the spirit to bring.

• Priming Ideas:

  • Digital workbook beforehand.

  • Question/s to get them thinking about what they value or the topic before hand.

  • An invitation to engage in a specific way.

  • Naming As Priming - Give the gathering a name that aligns with purpose and expectations and uses language that matches the tone and mood you want to foster.

• Consider creating an opening ritual centered on purpose; take them from their comfort zone into a new experience. Focus on creating a community amongst guests.

  “In those first few moments, people are at their most ready to be inspired. They are asking: What is this really about? Who holds the keys? People have come, presumably, because they are attracted to the forum…Try to embody, with that opening, the very reason that you felt moved to bring a group of human beings together. Try to make your gathering’s purpose felt in those first moments.”

Ch. 6 Keep Your Best Self Out of My Gatherings

• Push to hear people’s experiences over ideas

  “Many gatherings would be improved if people were simply asked for their stories.”

• So many gatherings especially professional ones “run on a cult of positivity”. Gatherings need to create space for the less uplifting – for the thought and heart provoking stuff that we crave.

• See 15 Toasts (events designed for business and civic leaders and I can’t wait to implement the idea/principle at a dinner pary)

“What we came to find over time was that the best themes were not the sweet ones, like happiness or romance, but rather the ones that had darker sides to them: fear, Them, borders, strangers. The ones that allowed for many interpretations. The ones that let people show sides of themselves that were weak, that were confused and unprocessed, that were morally complicated.”

• Don’t be afraid of strangers - I love this one! In some cases a group of strangers can be a safer space than people you’ve know your whole life. Design for the “stranger spirit” in groups that know each other well or are already acquainted. There is always more to know about each other and ways see each other anew.

“Strangers, unconnected to our pasts and, in most cases, to our futures, are easier to experiment around. They create temporary freedom to pilot-test what we might become, however untethered that identity is to what we have been. They allow us to try out new sides. In front of a stranger, we are free to choose what we want to show, hide or even invent.”

• As host – reveal yourself early on. Be vulnerable, make yourself human. Model for your guests how its done.

Ch. 7 - Cause Good Controversy

• Welcome controversy and set up structures and rules for it.

• Remember harmony is not the only value in gathering; sometimes its not even the highest value.

• When done well, controversy can lead to something better than the status quo.

“ The responsible harnessing of good controversy – handling with structure and care what we normally avoid – is one of the most difficult, complicated, and important duties for a gatherer. When it is done well, it is also one of the most transformative.” 

Ch. 8 - Accept that there is an end

• Create an intentional closing

• Look inward—understand, remember, acknowledge and reflect on what has happened. Make meaning out of what you’ve just experienced and connect one last time.

• A moment to recall “not what we did here but who we were here” and ask the question: “ What of this world do I want to bring back to my other worlds?”

• Closing can be a time to honor, thank, remember what we learned and recall the purpose of why we gathered to begin with + connect to the universal.

• Be creative and give the gathering a closing that matches the uniqueness of the gathering.

“Accepting the impermanence of a gathering is part of the art. When we vaguely try to extend our gatherings, we are not only living in denial, we are also depriving our gathering of the kind of closing that gives it the chance of enduring in people’s hearts.”

Here’s to our future gatherings – may we lead them with purpose and may they be experiences that connect us to our shared humanity.

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